The Maury Recipe

     The Maury show is the only show on television that I watch with any regularity. It started out as your run of the mill daytime talk show with Maury interviewing guests on a variety of topics. Luckily for us viewers, it has completely evolved devolved into the trashy, generalizing, depressing, exciting, wonderful piece of broadcasting it is today.

     The Maury show has 2 basic "events" for lack of a better term. You either have a lie detector test, or a paternity test. Newer episodes have slowly transitioned into the lie detector/paternity test combo, but I am a Maury purist and don't believe in the intermingling of the two.

     Event 1. The lie detector test

     The vast majority of these cases involve a woman who has 10 different reasons why she thinks her man is cheating on her. She calls the Maury show to have them get down to the truth! The guy denies all claims that he has ever done anything wrong and is very offended that his girlfriend doesn't trust him. This usually includes lines such as "I'm so sick of Shantiel always accusing me of cheating! I'm glad I can finally prove to her once and for all that I'm not cheating so she can stop accusing me all the time!". Lie detector results may not be admissible in court, but they are definitely welcome on my TV!

     I'm really not sure why these gentlemen agree to come on the show. They've obviously seen the show before. They must know that no one else that has been on the show has been able to "beat" the lie detector. What would make them believe that they will be the one who can go on there and lie their ass off without any risk of being found out?

     Needless to say, 95% of the time the guy is lying about everything. He's sleeping with her sister, her mom, her best friend, her daughter, her brother, or some combination of the aforementioned. The 5% where it turns out he's not lying are the cases where the woman has completely unexplainable proof that he's cheating. Some of the cases of truth are ones where she finds other girls underwear in their bed, she finds condoms or condom wrappers where they shouldn't be, he comes home without underwear when she knows he had some on when he left, and many other seemingly damning claims.


     Event 2. The paternity test

     The paternity test is the bread and butter of a classic Maury episode. You know how sharks can't stop swimming or they'll suffocate, that's how Maury shows are with paternity testing. The paternity segments follow a pretty standard format. 

The girl is brought on stage and tells her version of what's going on and the crowd sides with her.
The guy performs a scathing monologue from backstage.
The guy is brought on stage and is booed by the crowd and berated by the girl.
The two guests talk with Maury for a couple minutes while crowd repeatedly changes allegiance.
Maury says "well there's only one way to get to the bottom of this", then asks for the results.
Maury says "In the case of 6mo old Tayshu, you are".....cuts to commercial
After commercial Maury reads the results for real this time.
IS father=girl yelling "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU" about a million times.
Is NOT father=guy dancing around and high fiving crowd. girl runs behind the stage crying and does not know how this could have happened.

     During all this, one of them usually explains that they are 500, 2000, or 5 million percent sure that they're right.

     Another classic move is for the father to deny paternity because he doesn't think the kid looks like him. "Dat aint my baby Mury, look at dem feet Mury, dat aint my baby" "How can dat be my baby? I'm like 6' 4" and dat baby tiny, he like 1' "


Example:

   

 

     At this point it's going one of two ways.

     Or the much less entertaining

     The "You are the father"'s are sometimes accompanied by shouts of "where's my money", a very loud droning "CHHHIIILLLDD SSSUUUPPPPPPOOORRTTT!!", or "you fittin' to pay up" all of which are repeated at least 5 times. This is usually followed by Maury asking the guy if he's going to "step up". The guy ALWAYS says he's going to step up and handle his responsibilities, and take care of his kid, and all that. It's doubtful that it actually happens though.

     I'm not sure why it is, but I never tire of watching this play out. If you live in the central PA area Maury is on CW15-1 at 10AM and 4PM. I encourage everyone to watch it so I don't have to worry about it getting canceled. Who am I kidding? This show is golden!