I wish Groupon would profile me. I know "profiling" is a dirty word now, but I thought they at least still did it in advertising and sales. What is the point of sending me random offers that may or may not have anything to do with my interests? The only thing they accomplish is to make me not want to look at their offers at all anymore since they're never anything I'm interested in.

 Here's me in a nutshell:

Straight

Mostly White

Male

24-38

American

Veteran

Work with my hands

Own the same 4 pairs of jeans as I did 2 years ago

Have no Idea why anyone would go to a day-spa

Buy my shirts at Goodwill

Seldom vacation

Never been on a diet 

Don't have cable TV and seldom watch

     I signed up to Groupon because I read about how Groupon was a recent start-up business that was a huge success. I figured that they must be doing something right and making all of their customers happy so maybe I should try it too. Well, apparently all of Groupons customers are housewives with a lot of disposable income. Here are some of the wonderful offers Groupon has matched me up with so far:

Two- or Three-Night Stay for Up to Four at Mountain Creek Cabins in West Virginia

I have a family cabin that is 1. WAY closer 2. Is FREE, and 3. Is not in banjo and butt raping country.

Three Laser Hair-Removal Sessions on Small, Medium, or Large Area at Dr. Joanna DeLeo (Up to 83% Off)

 

Does this look like the face of a guy that is concerned with laser hair removal, or pencil hair addition?

 

$26 for Pair of Weight-Loss Hot Pants from Zaggora ($71.86 Value)

Word problem number 1.

My interest in buying or wearing hotpants is to 0 as my interest in looking at girls wearing hotpants is to?

A.

82% Off Pearl Necklace from My Pacific Pearls

Sexual euphemism aside, the only thing I think of when I hear pearl necklace is Barbara Bush.

      In summation, Groupon you have let me down. Please start taking more personal information from your subscribers and trying to profile them as much as possible. I realize taking person info and profiling have gotten a bad rap as of late, but it has served the marketing, advertising, and sales industries well for 100's of years. I want you to be as awesome at the article said you were but you're falling well short of that goal.

     I've given you a general profile of myself at the top of this blog, but I will also include some key words to associate:


Chainsaw
Motorcycle
Guitar
Technology
Guns
Cars
Mechanical
Meat
Documentaries
Yoga pants
Politics
Music Videos