Easy 4 minute bachelor breakfast

     If you're a single dude, making breakfast is a necessary evil that should be dealt with as quickly and easily as possible. In a perfect world it will also create very few dirty dishes.

     This is how I do it.

Safety first

     As natural as it seems, you should not be in the kitchen wearing nothing but your boxers.

I recommend something like the above. Here I'm wearing bear feet slippers, pajama pants, and a Slick Rick shirt. Slick Rick can be substituted with the musical artist of your choice. Except for Nickelback, none of this will work if you're wearing a Nickelback shirt.

Next we gather our supplies

These are the basics.

Crack two eggs in a coffee mug

Take your mug and crack two eggs in it one handed like a boss! Don't concern yourself with any little pieces of shell that might get in there. Shell is all calcium. It's good for your coat.

*Optional

At this point you can throw in other stuff you like in eggs. I add salt and milk, but I feel like bacon bits might be good to try sometime too.

Mix all that shit up

While mixing I usually mumble to myself "mixing it up like the shit was in a blender" and then I can't remember any of the other words or even which Beastie Boys song that is from.

Time to bring the heat

Put the mug in the microwave for about a minute and fifteen seconds depending on how old and crappy your microwave is.

Put the bread in the toaster while the eggs are cooking. The toast usually takes half the time that the eggs do so you have some margin of error here as far as doing all of this as fast as possible.

Pulling it together

When the eggs come out they'll be kind of ....inflated? I'm not really sure what to call it, but you're going to want to stab at them and mix them up in the mug before you dump them out.

Dump the eggs on the plate, grab the toast, and head to the sink.

Rinse the residual egg stuff out of the mug and use it for your drink. You can add a piece of fruit if you're into that.

Clean yourself up

Here's one of the best reasons to make breakfast like this. When you're done you've only dirtied a fork and a mug! You'll be glad about this the next time someone says they're coming over and you don't have to wash a million dishes before they get there so they don't think you're a scumbag. Not that that's ever happened.


There you have it. The breakfast I feel has perfectly balanced my laziness with my desire to eat and my need to make it as fast as possible. I made this, ate it, and cleaned the dishes up all while taking pictures and the whole ordeal only took 12 minutes. That's hard to beat.

The super easy 4 step haircut for guys

     For guys, spending money on getting your hair cut is just dumb. The only kind of guys that really need to go to a barber or salon are the ones that think they need to look like they're in a boy band. This informative post is not intended for those types. 

Step 1. Need a haircut
     I think I probably could have stretched it out a few more days, but it's close enough.

 Step 2. Shave that shit all even 
     Pick any length clipper attachment you want and shave everything all the same length. I went with a #2 here because that seemed like what I usually use. I immediately realized it was shorter than what I wanted and it was too late. Don't do that. Don't go with the number two just because it's fun to say.
 

 Step 3. Make a straight line somewhere
    Now that you've shaved that shit all even it's time to test your coordination.

     What you need to do is pick a spot somewhere between the top of your ear and the top of your forehead. Large foreheaded individuals will unfairly have a bigger range to choose from. I just randomly picked a spot in the middle that was high enough I wouldn't clipper my ear of by accident. Making it even and straight the whole way around is a huge pain in the ass in the back. You need to stand in front of a big mirror and hold a second mirror behind your head while clippering with the other hand. The difficulty of this is compounded by the fact that when you're doing this everything will seem backwards. When you see that you need to move your hand a certain direction, you actually have to move it the other way because of the mirrors.

     If you're a bachelor and you can't find a second mirror you can use a CD. I used "feels like home" by Norah Jones, but other artists would probably work too.

 




Step 4. Fade the line
     Basically what you want to do here is hold the clippers parallel to the ground and move them straight up and down. I've drawn an excellent depiction below. Once again, this is a MF'r in the back so go slow. If you mess it up you can just make a new line a little farther up and try again.

     That's really all there is to it. You should be good for another 3 weeks at least! 


Then all you have to do is get dressed up and go do something awesome!

Scumbag Steve. Meme of the year?

Is Scumbag Steve the meme of the year?

advice dog

      While everyone who has used the internet this year has once again been constantly inundated with lolcats and epic fails, many new memes have been making a good case for meme of the year. Most of this years class are based on the classic "advice dog" macro. From Good Guy Greg to First World Problems, there has definitely been a lot of strong competition.

first world problems

good guy Greg

      For me there was only one new meme that had it all. It's Scumbag Steve and he's great on many different levels. Scumbag Steve is a guy that everyone knows. He's THAT guy. If you don't know a guy like this then it's probably you. It's also funny because the real guy in the picture is named Blake and is apparently an OK guy, but the picture took on a life of it's own as an asshole named Steve.

   

Scumbag Steve is an advice dog style macro meme. The meme is based on this picture.

     The picture is of a guy named Blake Boston. It was taken from his rap groups myspace page. Their group is named "Beantown Mafia", their album title is "Ma Gangsta", and his rapper name is "Weezy B". As awesomely funny as all these names are, it keeps getting better. 

     Blake Boston, the real life scumbag Steve, was tracked down and interviewed by various web groups. It turns out that he doesn't rap anymore, he got a job, is going to school, and he's expecting a baby with his girlfriend. He's actually a decent guy!

 

     The first video is of Blake rapping. The second one is a great video of an interview with him talking about being scumbag Steve.

  Since scumbag has taken off to such heights of popularity it has spawned many offshoots.

 

Here is a site that has listed their top 42 "scumbag" spin-offs.

      Not only has Steve created a new genre of memes, he's responsible for enough spin-offs that one site could only narrowed it down to their top 42!

     Well, the moment you've all been waiting for, here are some of my favorite scumbag Steves:

The Maury Recipe

     The Maury show is the only show on television that I watch with any regularity. It started out as your run of the mill daytime talk show with Maury interviewing guests on a variety of topics. Luckily for us viewers, it has completely evolved devolved into the trashy, generalizing, depressing, exciting, wonderful piece of broadcasting it is today.

     The Maury show has 2 basic "events" for lack of a better term. You either have a lie detector test, or a paternity test. Newer episodes have slowly transitioned into the lie detector/paternity test combo, but I am a Maury purist and don't believe in the intermingling of the two.

     Event 1. The lie detector test

     The vast majority of these cases involve a woman who has 10 different reasons why she thinks her man is cheating on her. She calls the Maury show to have them get down to the truth! The guy denies all claims that he has ever done anything wrong and is very offended that his girlfriend doesn't trust him. This usually includes lines such as "I'm so sick of Shantiel always accusing me of cheating! I'm glad I can finally prove to her once and for all that I'm not cheating so she can stop accusing me all the time!". Lie detector results may not be admissible in court, but they are definitely welcome on my TV!

     I'm really not sure why these gentlemen agree to come on the show. They've obviously seen the show before. They must know that no one else that has been on the show has been able to "beat" the lie detector. What would make them believe that they will be the one who can go on there and lie their ass off without any risk of being found out?

     Needless to say, 95% of the time the guy is lying about everything. He's sleeping with her sister, her mom, her best friend, her daughter, her brother, or some combination of the aforementioned. The 5% where it turns out he's not lying are the cases where the woman has completely unexplainable proof that he's cheating. Some of the cases of truth are ones where she finds other girls underwear in their bed, she finds condoms or condom wrappers where they shouldn't be, he comes home without underwear when she knows he had some on when he left, and many other seemingly damning claims.


     Event 2. The paternity test

     The paternity test is the bread and butter of a classic Maury episode. You know how sharks can't stop swimming or they'll suffocate, that's how Maury shows are with paternity testing. The paternity segments follow a pretty standard format. 

The girl is brought on stage and tells her version of what's going on and the crowd sides with her.
The guy performs a scathing monologue from backstage.
The guy is brought on stage and is booed by the crowd and berated by the girl.
The two guests talk with Maury for a couple minutes while crowd repeatedly changes allegiance.
Maury says "well there's only one way to get to the bottom of this", then asks for the results.
Maury says "In the case of 6mo old Tayshu, you are".....cuts to commercial
After commercial Maury reads the results for real this time.
IS father=girl yelling "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU" about a million times.
Is NOT father=guy dancing around and high fiving crowd. girl runs behind the stage crying and does not know how this could have happened.

     During all this, one of them usually explains that they are 500, 2000, or 5 million percent sure that they're right.

     Another classic move is for the father to deny paternity because he doesn't think the kid looks like him. "Dat aint my baby Mury, look at dem feet Mury, dat aint my baby" "How can dat be my baby? I'm like 6' 4" and dat baby tiny, he like 1' "


Example:

   

 

     At this point it's going one of two ways.

     Or the much less entertaining

     The "You are the father"'s are sometimes accompanied by shouts of "where's my money", a very loud droning "CHHHIIILLLDD SSSUUUPPPPPPOOORRTTT!!", or "you fittin' to pay up" all of which are repeated at least 5 times. This is usually followed by Maury asking the guy if he's going to "step up". The guy ALWAYS says he's going to step up and handle his responsibilities, and take care of his kid, and all that. It's doubtful that it actually happens though.

     I'm not sure why it is, but I never tire of watching this play out. If you live in the central PA area Maury is on CW15-1 at 10AM and 4PM. I encourage everyone to watch it so I don't have to worry about it getting canceled. Who am I kidding? This show is golden!

My top 20 things that will be obsolete in 10 years.

Here's a list of the first 20 things I thought of that will be all but gone in 10 years.

1. Encyclopedias

     Who needs encyclopedias when everyone has the internet in their pocket? They're expensive, they don't cover everything, and they're outdated by the time they're printed!

2. House Phones

     In 10 years cell phones will be so ubiquitous that even your grandparents will have one. Say goodbye to associated nonsense such as "long distance plans", and non-VoIP business phones.

3. Exclusively Gasoline Cars

      In 10 years from now all new cars will be gas/electric hybrids at worst. Hopefully there will be a mix of diesel, CNG, bio-fuel, and hydrogen fuel cells to choose from.

4. The US Postal Service

     It's already on it's way out and the only competitive business strategy that the politicians can come up with is to keep throwing more of our money into it. It recorded a loss of 8.5 BILLION dollars in 2010. That's coming out of your paycheck by the way.

 

5. Cursive Writing in Schools

     It's already being phased out in the more useless of public schools. By the time 2021 rolls around there won't be an 8th grader to be found who's more familiar with cursive than Helvetica. 

 

6. DVD/CD

     It's almost time to dump out that box of VHS and cassette tapes in your closet and fill it back up with DVDs and CDs. 

 

7. Desktop Computers

     One word. Laptoptabletsmartphones.

 

8. Daily newspapers

     How long did it take for you to find out Michael Jackson died? Did you read it in the paper on your lunch break the day after it happened or did you hear about it within hours?

9. Non-SSD Hard Drives

     No more spinning platters with magnetic heads. All storage will be solid state. 

 

10. FAX Machines

     The first fax patent was filed in 1843. The last fax sent will hopefully be later this week.

11. Phone Books

     I'm not even sure that people use them now, but they sure as hell keep delivering them!

12. Maps/Atlas

     Gone will be the days of planning out your trip using the old atlas. Who would want to when the mapping and GPS of today can reroute you on the fly, knows what the speed limits are on different roads, and figures out the fastest route for you?

13. Digital Cameras

     Have you seen the pictures the iPhone 4s takes? We'll probably be on the iPhone 12z in 10 years and it will have a better built in camera than any digital camera in existence today. As will all other phones, and tablets.

 

14. Bars of Soap

     This one really irks me. Women don't seem to use bars of soap at all already! Last time I bought soap it was hard to find it in it's own little section in between the 2 isles of "body wash".

15. Keys on Cellphones

     Everything will be touch screen....EVERYTHING!

16. Movie Rentals

     This one is basically already here except for the Redbox and similar kiosk style automated rental machines. I'm not sure why Redbox thought it was a good idea to start a movie rental business in this day and age, but god bless them for trying. 

 

17. American Women Under 30 with HPV

      Pretty much every girl in the US under 20 has had the immunization for HPV so in 10 years it should be rarely spread because who wants to have sex with a girl over 30? Just kidding,.....kinda,.....not really......

18. Perms

19. Wired internet

     WiFi, Bluetooth, WiMAX, 3g/4g, satellite, or be tethered to a jack in the wall like a Cat5 noose. I wonder which one people will choose?

20. Grocery Store Cashiers

     I've already been in a CVS by the USC campus that has nothing but self checkouts and one person standing in the middle in case there are problems. This seems like the obvious progression when the government makes it more and more expensive to have an employee every year.

     Well there you have it. 20 things that you'll be telling your completely uninterested grandchildren about when your kids force them to beam over to your house for a "visit" when it's really just to get away from them for a while because they're still a little mad about them shitting their spacesuit the day before.