How I know that Bigfoot and Nessy don't exist (IN PICTURES!)

     No matter how little evidence, there are always those who will believe in strange creatures. It's OK if they want to do that. Most people believe in lot's of ridiculous things that I choose not to. Here are two of those things.


     Bigfoot, sasquach, yetti, no matter how you say it, you're telling me that you believe there is a giant hairy man living in your woods. While there is no evidence to disprove it, much like the possibility of a good Rob Schneider movie, it's highly unlikely. Let's use something that is all too often overlooked. logic.

     What we surmise about Bigfoot:

1. Lives in woods
2. 6-10ft tall
3. Covered in hair
4. Shy

     Number one, he lives in the woods.  You know what else lives in the woods? Every-damn-thing. People have been camping in the woods for ever. How many bigfoot sightings have their been? There are thousands of people in the woods as I type this. How many of them are going to come back with some bug bites and lots of new Bigfoot stories?

     Number two, he's 6-10ft tall. If he's so hard to spot, how is he so damn big? My dog is 10lbs and less than 1ft tall. Her and I have gone on many trips in the woods. Guess how many times I've lost her. Not to mention the fact that something that big would have to consume 4000+ calories a day. Where is this thing eating? Where are all the dead animal carcases and piles of bigfoot shit?

     Number three, he's covered in hair.  You know what else is covered in hair? Everything else in the woods.

     Number four, he's shy. If I had to eat 4000+ calories a day to survive and I weighed in excess of 500lbs and was 6-10ft tall, the last thing I would be is shy. Assuming I lived in the woods, was covered in hair, needed to eat something, and heard you coming a mile away as you yell at your kids to stop complaining about having to walk, I would totally eat you.

     This debate can quickly be summed up in pictures. What do wild animals do when their habitat is encroached on? They eat your garbage. It's not pretty, but animals don't care about keeping up appearances. Which one of these scenarios have you never seen of before:

      The second creature I take issue with is the Loch Ness monster. Again, not to shit on anyone's parade, but I will be forced to use deductive reasoning and logic. This one doesn't even really need the points broken down. I don't want to call the Scotts liars, but they do have a knack for the story telling. I think I can display reasonable doubt through pictures alone.

THE EFFING MOON

FREAKING MARS

THE G.D. SUN

the Loch Ness Monster

     Hopefully this will be a load off of everyone's mind and we can free up the space in our heads that was formerly occupied by Bigfoot and Nessy to use it toward some greater accomplishment like finally capturing a live chupacabra.

The problems of internet enabled mankind.

 The problems of internet enabled mankind.

     I'm often confused and disappointed when I start to type a search into Google. Google uses it's unimaginably large database of past searches to try to guess what I'm looking for before I finish typing in an effort to save me valuable keystrokes. It actually makes searching for things take longer because I'm always surprised to see what the all knowing Google is pretty sure I'm looking for. 

     In the above picture you can see that I've only typed the word "why" into a Google search. In my mind it would stand to reason that the most often searched combinations starting with the word "why" would pop up in order. If this is the case we are all doomed. These results CAN'T be the most searched "why" strings can they?

     I would like to think that we all don't suck so bad that the question that most often crosses our collective minds is "Why is the sky blue". I was sure there would be at least one "why are people starving", "why is it so hard to get a job right now", or "why doesn't our nose run in our sleep". You know, important, relevant, real world questions. From what I've seen I would have to assume that 3rd graders are doing a disproportionate amount of searching on Google. 

     I'm going to do the world a service with this blog. I'm going to answer the top 10 why questions according to Google. Hopefully all Google "why" searches will be redirected to this blog from now on so everyone can start asking real questions and we can all get on with our lives.

  1. Why is the sky blue?
A: The sun puts out all wavelengths of light. Blue is one of the shortest wavelengths of visible light and is scattered by the atmosphere more so than the other colors. There you have it. bfd. The most asked question on Google.

  2. Why do cats purr?
A: Nobody knows for sure. Who really cares? Why is knowing why a cat purrs the second most important question to mankind according to Google? Most cats that purr can't roar. I think the snow leopard is the only one that can. Is this information helping anyone? probably not.

  3. Why am I so tired?
 A: You're lazy and you eat like shit. Stop having a BMI of 30, eating garbage all day, and living a sedentary life.

  4. Why do leaves change color?
  A: During the fall there's not enough light for photosynthesis so the leaves lose their chlorophyll. Chlorophyll is what gives the leaves their green color. When it leaves you see the colors that are left.

  5. Why are manhole covers round?
  A: I really find it hard to believe that this is the 5th most asked question of Google. When they look at this data they must really think the world if full of total idiots. Manhole covers are round so they can't fall into the manhole.There are many other explanations, but that's the main reason.

  6. Why do men cheat?
   A: Because you're not good enough and you never will be.

  7. Why do dogs eat grass?
   A: Because it's delicious. Oh, you've never tried it? Wow!... Never even thought about it?  I'll tell you, you're really missing out. No, seriously, I'll wait, go outside and try it right now. I promise you won't regret it. Take your phone with you so you can text me from outside and tell me what you think.

  8. Why I love you lyrics?
   A: You love me because I'm awesome in every way. I'm an incredible physical specimen, I'm smart, I'm funny, I can cook, I can play guitar, how could anyone honestly say they don't love me? I'd call bullshit if that ever happens. Oh wait...lyrics?... Who cares, lets talk more about me!

  9. Why is the ocean salty?
    A: The oceans salinity is clearly caused by whale sperm. Some people who are apparently not aware of whale sperm have made the ridiculous assumption that rain water accumulates salt as it runs down mountains and through streams on it's way back to the ocean. Once in the ocean, it evaporates but leaves the salt behind since salt can't evaporate therefore causing the oceans to get progressively saltier over time. That's all BS though of course. Whale sperm is the true culprit. Think about that next time your stupid skim-board flies out from under you and you land in 6" of water but still manage to swallow some.

  10. Why can't I lose weight?
    A: You're consuming more calories than you're burning. What did you want me to tell you? that you're big boned? Have you ever seen a fat skeleton?


     I'm supremely confident that the top 10 questions facing mankind can now be laid to rest and we can all get to the business of doing something meaningful.


 You're welcome world